Brown bags five as Forbes pulls the strings in NON BIBS rout

NON BIBS produced one of their most ruthless attacking displays of the season as they swept aside BIBS 18–9, with Gary Forbes at the centre of almost everything good on a miserable night for Paolo Sechi and the BIBS defence.

Sechi endured the sort of evening goalkeepers try very hard to forget, conceding 18 despite doing his best to stem the tide. Unfortunately for him, NON BIBS were in no mood to show mercy, and once they found their rhythm the chances simply kept coming.

Forbes was mercurial in the middle of the park, finishing with an outrageous five goals and seven assists. He dictated the game, created chances at will and then decided to score a fair few himself for good measure. His highlight came with an absolutely filthy nutmeg on Eoin Smith in midfield before calmly slotting the resulting chance past the goalkeeper. X-rated stuff.

His life was made considerably easier by the fact that one of the usual shitters finally started converting chances. Calum Brown somehow rattled in five goals, prompting entirely unconfirmed rumours of interest from Dundee United. A fictional source close to the club is believed to have remarked: “He is a bit of a mong, but we will take anyone at this point.”

Shane McCrosson did what Shane McCrosson tends to do and added another five goals of his own, continuing his relentless habit of finding the net. Ross Lawrie also looked increasingly at home in the league, his marauding, wrecking-ball style causing havoc and earning him four goals in a hugely effective performance.

By that stage NON BIBS had largely abandoned any pretence of conventional shape, but it barely mattered. The game had become chaotic enough that goals were arriving from everywhere, with Antonio Wong and Eoin Smith both getting themselves on the scoresheet amid the madness.

For BIBS, there were at least a few consolations. Neil Stoddart finally managed to score one of his own after spending what appeared to be a considerable amount of time trying not to, while Dylan “The Fish” Masson also got involved with a goal of his own.

Evan Anderson, the dyspraxic maestro himself, added another to the tally, while Ernie Smith also found the net. James Knight finally broke his scoring drought too, getting himself back among the goals after what had started to feel like a geological era.

Arianne McCrosson, meanwhile, was hopeless. Very little went her way on the night, and it was perhaps fitting that this happened during a game where BIBS as a whole struggled badly to impose themselves.

Ultimately, though, this was the Gary Forbes show. Five goals, seven assists and one deeply disrespectful nutmeg summed up a night where NON BIBS looked dangerous every time they went forward.

For BIBS, it was a brutal evening and one to move past quickly. For NON BIBS, it was emphatic, chaotic and hugely entertaining.

And for Paolo Sechi, 18 goals conceded is probably enough football for one week.